Marriage and Mental Illness

August 23rd, 2010 . Posted in Dr. Liz, Tips for a Stronger Marriage | No Comments »
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At the marriage alter we make vows to stay together for better or for worse; in sickness and in health. And we make these vows when we have no idea what the future will hold. Certain medical conditions, especially mental illness, can wreak havoc on a marriage and family.

This is much more common than many of us think. One out of four adults suffers with a mental illness in any given year.  Whether the mentally ill spouse suffers from clinical depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder or another mental illness, the condition has devastating effects on the individuals and the marriage. Certain factors can facilitate marriage survival. So how do you stay in a relationship with such demands and misunderstandings as mental illness?

TIP #1: Seek & Follow Treatment Plan

The true devastation is when we don’t seek professional intervention. A good mental health professional is worth their weight in gold! Treatment works. Education works. Learn all you can about symptoms, triggers and the “how-to’s” of managing a crisis. Resources like the National Alliance on Mental Illness are tremendous support systems that can be linked to from www.strongermarriage.org

TIP #2: Grieve Fantasy; Embrace Reality

We all marry with expectations of “how glorious it’s going to be!” Grieve what isn’t and embrace what is. Perhaps we all need to grieve the fantasy, but especially someone married to a partner with a mental illness. When a treatment plan is successful, you have a “normal” relationship with its ups and downs. When a treatment plan fails, the downs remain down. Most of us will have a different sort of marriage than the one we dreamed of and embracing reality will be the most powerful step we can take in all marriages.

TIP #3: Be Responsive; Not Responsible

You are not any more responsible for solving than causing the mental condition. Only the individual with the disorder can choose to seek and follow a treatment plan. Be an advocate and a cheerleader while realizing that the ultimate responsibility lies with your spouse.

TIP #4: Maintain Excellent Self-Care

Nowhere is self-care more important than in living with someone who has a medical condition such as a mental illness.  I’ve seen formerly stable partners become downtrodden and clinically depressed due to the stress of living with a spouse who has a mental illness. Stress is hard on your brain and your body. Seek help before you too become overwhelmed. Therapy and anti-depressants can be supportive to the well-being of a partner. Avoid isolation. Stay in close contact with family and friends; join a support group; pick up as hobby to maintain healthy relationships.

TIP #5: Spare Spouse & Family

Some mentally ill spouses would never harm anyone, except perhaps themselves. Others may become out of control during a severe episode or breakdown if they are someone who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder. Follow your instincts. If you feel your spouse may become verbally or physically abusive, consider leaving until your spouse is being successfully treated. This is a tough decision but an important one.  Your job is to spare your family from injury and to spare your spouse from the pain they would suffer in causing it.

You can join Dr. Liz on September 8th at the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) WALKS event to raise money and awareness about our country’s need for a world-class treatment and recovery system for individuals with mental illness. Find out more here: http://bit.ly/camZ7S

NAMI

NAMI

Traits or Truths About Men

August 4th, 2010 . Posted in Dr. Liz | No Comments »
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Dear Dr. Liz:

I remember reading an article of yours printed in The Salt Lake Tribune that listed traits or truths about men. I’ve looked everywhere to find it but with no luck. I’m hoping you can send it to me directly; I want to use it for my best friend’s bridal shower. (thought it might be better to play a game that’s informative instead of just silly.)

Thank You –

Lisa

Dear Lisa:

What a great idea to add a little education into some bridal shower fun! The author of “For Women Only,” Shaunti Feldhahn, interviewed 1,000 men to find out what makes them tick. Throughout time, both genders have remained somewhat of a mystery to each other; while that may never change, it’s useful to stay abreast of what’s being written in the relationship section of your nearest bookstore. May we NEVER stop being open to learning about ourselves, and each other. Here is the culmination of Miss. Feldhahn’s research:

  • We’d Rather Feel Unloved than Disrespected

We want to be respected publicly and privately by our wives. We thrive when our wives trust, admire and believe in us. (Men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than disrespect. That’s HUGE!)

  • Our Anger is Often a Response to Feeling Disrespected

We may not say it directly but if we’re upset it’s often because we’ve been stung by something our wife has done that we feel is disrespectful or humiliating. (The worst possible scenario? When a man feels he is being spoken down to in front of family or friends. OUCH!)

  • We Fear Not Cutting it in Life

When our wives are on our side, we’re confident across the board: at home, work, as husbands and as fathers. We need affirmation and we need it from “her.”  We don’t need flattery; just validation that we’re good, capable, and respected. (I hear a theme here…)

  • We Feel Responsible as Main Provider Regardless of Wife’s Occupation

We’ve been hard-wired over centuries that it’s up to us as men to provide for our families. We feel stressed by others’ expectations and the emotional burden is tremendous. The best thing a wife can do is show appreciation, encouragement and support. (Men need cheerleaders; not coaches!)

  • We Deeply Love Our Wives

We love the companionship, kindness, laughter, nurturing, cooking, and cuddling. We just aren’t very good at telling you about our feelings. (So, let’s notice where men do express their feelings; and it’s usually in actions!)

Dr. Liz on Studio 5

July 23rd, 2010 . Posted in Dr. Liz | No Comments »

Be sure to tune in to KSL’s Studio 5 on Monday, July 26th for a segment with Dr. Liz on marriage insights. Well post some updates following the show.

Lessening Marriage Madness

June 30th, 2010 . Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

The specifics may vary from couple to couple, but one thing is certain: every couple has their disagreements. Arguments are rarely what they seem; they’re not really about who is doing more housework, or whose turn it is to balance the checkbook.  Underneath it all, it’s often a hidden need that’s causing the spat. Whether you’re preparing for marriage, newly married or going on 50+ years together, it’s always a good idea to step back and try to understand the underlying causes of arguments.

couple-arguing

Key underlying causes of marital conflict include:

  • Not feeling appreciated.
  • Not getting enough affection.
  • Not feeling respected.
  • Feeling insecure and vulnerable.
  • Old resentments.
  • Feeling overburdened with responsibilities.

Think about the last argument you and your partner had; If you examine the content closely, you’ll discover that it really wasn’t about the dishes or the laundry; it was likely about feeling underappreciated or taken advantage of.  As a marriage therapist, I’m not against conflict; conflict actually breeds intimacy. What I caution against, however, is the disrespect and disregard that too often accompanies the expression of frustration.

Here are few tips to keep in mind for fostering a happier, more peaceful marriage, even amidst the inevitable differences:

  • Be Empathic. See things from the other’s perspective.
  • Cease Proving Your Point. Do you want to be right or free?
  • Be Kind. Avoid name-calling and hurtful remarks; they’re not an option…..ever!
  • Own Responsibility. Admit wrongs, apologize, and improve!
  • Express Appreciation. Notice and comment on your partner’s positive efforts.
  • Maintain the “Big Picture.” Keep your eyes on the prize….and all the reasons you fell in love in the first place! Whatever you focus on GROWS!

~Dr. Liz

Image courtesy of here.

Find the Joy in the Journey Down the Aisle

June 23rd, 2010 . Posted in Dr. Liz, Tips for a Stronger Marriage | No Comments »

Dear Dr. Liz~

My wedding is coming up in two months and I’m a nervous wreck! Things are well-planned (I’m a fairly organized person) but my nerves are getting the best of me! I can’t eat; can’t sleep! Yikes – my fiancé says I need to “chill!” I know he’s right but this wedding thing has thrown me for a loop!

~Need-to-Chill in Heber City

Dear Bride-To-Be~

Some of the best things in life cause the greatest amount of stress. Getting married is at the top of the list! Congratulations on all the thoughtfulness, time, and consideration that went into choosing someone special with whom to spend the rest of your life. Now, the hard work begins: planning a wedding, marking the beginning of your life together as husband and wife.

You are blessed with the skill of organization. Let that put your mind at ease, all while knowing, however, that on your “perfect” day it’s not IF things will go wrong it’s WHAT will go wrong. Weddings are about people and people are imperfect. Actually, it’s the people that make the day memorable and precious; albeit not precise.

The stress of a wedding cannot be avoided or eliminated; that’s not the question; managing the stress, however, is the answer. Here are few ideas for managing stress before your big day:

  1. Eat well-balanced meals and do not skip them. Three to six meals will produce sustaining energy throughout the day more effectively than three large energy depleting meals.
  2. Drink water and cut down on caffeine.
  3. Best way to deal with emotion is through motion. A daily 20-minute walk can do wonders for your stress (and soul). Make your time for active living a priority.
  4. Breathe……deeply. Breath can change chemistry faster than any drug.
  5. Sleep is an important factor in our ability to manage life’s stressors. Most of us require 7 to 9 hours of sleep.
  6. Practice clear communication with your fiancé, family members and those involved in preparing for the wedding to ease tensions and prevent false assumptions.

Remember, this does not mean that there won’t be problems; it means that you will be in a better position to resolve the matters respectfully.

~Dr. Liz

Quote of the Week:

June 21st, 2010 . Posted in Quotes | 1 Comment »

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it is time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.  ~ Erma Bombeck

To Dance or Not to Dance….That is the Question!

June 2nd, 2010 . Posted in Dr. Liz, Tips for a Stronger Marriage | 1 Comment »
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Dear Dr. Liz:

If planning our wedding hasn’t been complicated enough! Now, add to that mix, weird family stuff on both sides of the equation. We have been able to navigate all the particulars but one: the first dance at our reception. After we dance as a new married couple, then the bride is supposed to dance with her father and the groom is supposed to dance with his mother. Well, I am closer to my step-dad than my dad but I have always dreamed of that moment being with my bio-dad for some reason, and that has hurt my step-dad’s feelings. Furthermore, my mother-in-law is upset because she wants us to dance to a song that has been a wedding tradition in their family for years. It’s a song that means nothing to me so I don’t want to use it! Please help me…………….

Sara

Dear Sara~

I’m impressed you’ve already made it to the first dance! That must mean you’ve already negotiated some other rough waters considering your family dynamics, more common than not among today’s family celebrations.dancing couple

Be willing to pull back and look at the big picture in its entirety. Deciding on the particulars of this important first dance involve your values as a couple, your family constellations, as well as your sensitivity to the feelings and values of the others involved. To help avoid this special event turning into the dreaded dance of doom, here are two tips to keep in mind:

Core Values Determine Decisions

When decisions are based on values, you avoid giving into the demands of the loudest protester. Talk to your step-dad about why you made your decision, i.e., it has always been your dream to dance with your father following dancing with your new husband, and perhaps it might just be your way of beginning anew with your dad. Let step-dad know how important he is to you and tell him how sad you are that he feels hurt by your decision, however,  you appreciate his willingness to try and support you.

Each Partner Deals With Their Parents

When disagreements arise, have blood talk to blood. If a decision has been made and people are upset, do not cross family lines; in-law relationships are too fresh and vulnerable. You do not bring to the table with your in-laws the history, loyalty, or battle scars of surviving thousands of past family conflicts needed for soothing wedding-related tension. Have your husband-to-be talk to his mother about her feelings. If your future mother-in-law approaches you directly about her preferences on the dancing details, refer her back to her son to discuss. (You didn’t mention how your fiancé feels about not using his family’s traditional song….make certain you know how he really feels about this before moving ahead.) Even if you both agree, please keep in mind that the price to pay for offending your new mother-in-law just may not be worth it. You are setting the stage for the rest of your married life on how you deal with disagreements, both as a couple and with your families.

What questions do you have for Dr. Liz, about your upcoming wedding or relationship concerns?

Wedding Prep Woes: The Do’s & the Do-Knots!

May 28th, 2010 . Posted in Dr. Liz, Tips for a Stronger Marriage | 1 Comment »
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Here is question a frustrated bride sent me this week: “My in-laws want to invite people we don’t even know or care about AND don’t have the money for! How can we politely tell them to stop adding people???!?”

A Little Shrink Insight

Weddings are a BIG deal to parents. Not only is it the beginnings of their adult child’s marriage but also the beginning of their own new family constellation. Parents want to share in the celebration and begin the introductions; the easiest way to do this is at the wedding.  After all, how many nights a week do want to hang out with all their friends when you have your own social circles? So they figure now is the time to do it!

What Could Help Prevent & Potentially Help This Situation?

Set up a separate meeting with each set of parents shortly after the engagement (or when you notice new names on the guest list!) to share what each party envisions, and offer a rough estimate of what you as a couple hope to plan for your wedding. Share a first draft of who you would likely invite to the wedding and get your parents responses. Here is where you can all view the potentially opposite views of the guest list and other wedding decisions, rather than having a constant stream of disagreements and resentments.

What Would KNOT Help…

Excuses that try to prevent hurting your parents instead of telling them the truth will make matters worse, not better. In other words, if you use “money” as the reason for not being able to accommodate your parents’ friends, it will backfire in one of two ways.

  1. Your parent may now offer to pay for their extra guests and perhaps now you’ll be even more resentful because you don’t want these strangers at your wedding in the first place.
  2. Your parent may interpret your reason as ‘money means more than their feelings or friendships.’ It also opens up for criticisms on where you are spending the wedding budget.

Speak early and often to both sides of the family. If a misunderstanding develops, take ownership for not speaking up sooner and informing them of the details. It’s far better to take blame than place it. (And it’s a far quicker recovery; trust me!)

What wedding dilemmas are you facing? Write in and share your wedding woes and Dr. Liz will answer them right here on the blog!

Why Are You Getting Married?

May 6th, 2010 . Posted in Dr. Liz, Tips for a Stronger Marriage | 1 Comment »
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Most of us plan to marry someday.  Ideally, we’ll all be prepared with good relationship skills for a strong, healthy, lifelong union with “the right one.”

As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I often meet in pre-marriage sessions with couples.  One of my questions for them is “Why are you getting married?” Without fail the answer is automatic: “Because we are in love!” Below the surface, however, the motivations for matrimony are often far more complex. A combination of complicated needs and situations bring couples together; some of those reasons improve the chances for success, while others work against it.

While there are a myriad of reasons to get married, the main motivation being that you love each other, there are also some reasons not to get married that are sometimes difficult to identify when they are masked by other emotions.

The book “Getting Ready for the Wedding,” by Les and Leslie Parrott identifies some of these reasons you should look out for:

  1. Love at first sight (before taking the time to get to know each other)
  2. Rebounding
  3. Rebellion
  4. Loneliness
  5. Obligation
  6. Financial advancement
  7. Sexual attraction
  8. Premarital pregnancy
  9. Escape
  10. Pressure

Do you know people who have gotten married for any of these reasons? If so, were they able to make it work, or did the marriage need to end?

A great tool to help you explore your readiness for marriage is the RELATE questionnaire.  There’s a version for singles (READY) as well as one for engaged or cohabiting couples and couples considering re-marriage.  You can find more information and a link on http://www.strongermarriage.org under “marriage readiness.”

~Dr. Liz

Dr. Liz on Studio 5

April 30th, 2010 . Posted in Dr. Liz | No Comments »

Stay tuned this morning for our own Dr. Liz Hale on KSL’s Studio 5, talking about the resources Stronger Marriage offers to help prepare YOU for the life ahead.

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