Welcome to Marriage Myth #3! As you read on, I encourage you to search the corners of your own mind, invite your partner to do the same and discuss together your beliefs about what marriage means. When you both honestly make the effort to do so, I anticipate that your connection will blossom, your patience for one another will increase, and your love will deepen. Give it a shot and please let me know how it goes! (PS – What did you and your spouse discover about your endorsement or rejection of Myth #2? I’m looking forward to reading your comments.)
Myth #3: I can change my spouse by pointing out his or her inadequacies, errors, and other flaws.
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Whew! Finally! A myth that is EASY for me to debunk. I probably have my years as a direct care counselor in residential treatment to thank for this reality check. Those teenage girls taught me that unless someone feels absolutely accepted as they are, no one wants to risk making changes. Change is hard. Change is scary. Hard-won changes might not always stick for the long term. If a person already feels unsafe in her relationship, there is very little incentive for her to put herself out there by admitting a deficit and attempting a remedy. The fear of failure can be overwhelming, especially if there is uncertainly about whether or not the relationship can successfully absorb the failure. Someone in an insecure relationship might think, “My spouse is already annoyed with me/doesn’t understand me/doesn’t love me as I am. If the changes I try to make don’t stick/don’t happen right away, my spouse will just be less understanding/more angry.” Why should I even bother?
